Introduction
Helping someone after rape or sexual abuse can feel heavy. Awkward too. But just hearing them out and being present is already a massive support for them.
You might be worried about doing/saying the “wrong thing.” You might be worried that recognizing what has happened to them will bring on ”further problems.” It is natural to want to keep quiet or do nothing. Or pretend it did not happen. That is the most awful thing you can do to many victims and survivors.
Many people search for “What to say to a rape victim?” They are afraid of making things worse.
Every survivor is different. Their needs, timing, and reactions won’t look the same. The guidelines that follow are an excellent place to start based on our experience.
Things to Do
1. Do pay attention
You may find it to be high above what you can understand or disturbing what they are saying. But you do need to inform them that you’re listening.
Besides, if you have a million questions, try not to interrupt.
2. Have faith in them
Rarely do people tell falsehoods concerning rape, child sexual abuse, and other sexual assaults. Being a victim or survivor in the modern world is pretty rough, and there isn’t much to be gained from lying about it.
You have to trust them the way you would want them to trust you, even if you wish what they were saying wasn’t true. Not being trusted can feel like a huge betrayal to a lot of people, and it may discourage them from letting others know or getting help.
3. Keep in mind that they are not to blame
The perpetrator bears all responsibility, shame, & guilt for sexual violence and abuse. Also, you should never blame or shame any victim or survivor about their experience. People need to be comforted that they don’t have to feel that way because a lot of the survivors feel guilty and ashamed of themselves.
Survivors and victims may feel that talking about what happened to them is “just too much.” Every person who lives through sexual assault or violence is likely to be traumatized and may find it anxiety-inducing to revisit the experience. It is one of the reasons why some take a long time to tell anyone.
4. Do allow them to maintain control
Let them retain control. It is really, really important that a lot of survivors and victims of crime get to be in charge of their own lives again. We want to jump in and “do something” when we hear someone we know has been hurt. But it’s very important not to “take over” or make decisions for someone else unless they explicitly tell you to.
Rather, assist them in:
- Deal with their emotions.
- Examine their choices.
- Make their own choices.
When thinking about “What to say to a rape victim?”, remember that listening matters more than fixing.
5. Do honor their choices
There is no right or wrong way to be and feel about it when describing victims of sexual assault or sexual abuse. The survivor or victim is the only one who knows what is best for them. At least acknowledge their situation. You might end up either making them angrier if you don’t.
6. Be patient with them and give them some space
Because of what they have experienced, a lot of survivors and victims are distrustful of others, especially if they have doubts previously arrived at or do not accept others. Be patient. Don’t rush them to do or say any more until they’re ready. Remember, there is no “getting over” sexual assault or sexual violence. Plus, there isn’t a “get through list” or “to-do” list. There is nothing that you need to do before they’re ready.
If your partner has been a victim of sexual violence or abuse lately or in the past, finding intimacy and sexual contact may be difficult for them. They may occasionally object to you touching them or being near them. At other times, they may require further physical support from you. It’s not about you; it’s about what has occurred to them, so try not to take this personally and become angry.
Also Read: Know Your Rights When You Experience Sexual Harassment In The Workplace
Things that should not be done
Understanding “What to say to a rape victim?” also means knowing what not to do/say.
1. Never question them about why they didn’t speak up sooner
Victims and survivors might not be ready to tell about what happened to them right away or even for some time after.
- They have already tried to tell someone about it, but they were ignored or didn’t believe them.
- The offender has threatened them, or they are afraid they’ll find out.
- Fear or worry that others will find out.
- Feel guilty or humiliated.
- Fear of being judged, blamed, or not believed.
- Worry about potential impact on friendships, family relationships, & work relationships.
- Want to act as though it never happened or have “blocked” it.
2. Don’t hold them accountable for whatever they did ahead of the abuse or sexual violence
Rape and other acts of sexual violence and abuse are never acceptable. The criminal or perpetrators always bear full responsibility, humiliation, and blame. Help is also owed to all those affected by these crimes.
And it doesn’t matter what a person was doing either ahead of or during the incident — whether they were drinking, using drugs, dressing a certain way, going out late at night, flirting with the assailant, or anything else. It has nothing to do with what happened to them.
3. Don’t question them for failing to attempt to flee or defend themselves
Those who have been raped or sexually abused often find that they cannot move or speak. It’s just one of the body’s natural responses to fear, and it doesn’t mean they approved of the circumstances or are in any way responsible.
Some offenders may also use coercion or threats. This is to keep their victims quiet. They may employ other means to scare their victims into silence and compliance.
4. Don’t judge them based on how they handled the abuse or sexual violence
When a person is raped or experiences another type of sexual abuse or violence, there’s no ‘right’ way to respond. Everyone responds differently, and all responses are valid.
So that you can support their reaction, not your own perspective on what you would do in their situation, or what they showed you on TV or in movies.
5. Never share without permission
Victims and survivors may have difficulty trusting others because of what has been done to them, as we’ve discussed. So please, don’t betray that trust and don’t share what has been done to them with anyone else without their permission.
Supporting a victim or survivor who self-harms
What you have to try to do:
- Stay calm, but listen to them. The idea that people injure themselves for “attention” is just not true. Ironically, many who injure themselves want to hide their behavior.
- Realize that self-injury is a way to cope and doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is considering suicide. It’s actually the opposite for a lot of individuals. This is how they attempt to control extremely challenging emotions because they want to survive.
- Don’t make them stop immediately. Assist them in finding a different approach to cope with the challenging feelings. These feelings won’t simply go away when they cease self-harming. Therefore, it can be risky to make children stop before they’re ready.
- Let them know you’re there for them, and that you love or care about them — just be sure to lean on your relationship for that.
- Help them to understand the reasons for their self-harm. Find less harmful ways to manage their feelings.
Your friend, or maybe your partner, has just shared that they were raped in college or sexually assaulted as a child. Maybe you were stunned for a moment. Perhaps you were tongue-tied. You’re trying to gather your thoughts now. Trying to figure out what you can say the next time this subject comes up. Maybe you’re intending to raise the subject yourself. You want to let them know that they are loved, accepted, & supported. You want to have the “right” talk. But the problem is that you still can’t find the words.
You would have known what the “right” thing to say was and been prepared for that talk in an ideal world. Reality? Faces go blank, and many don’t know how to respond. Maybe first you were furious at the perpetrator. Alternatively, you might have first been afraid of how it might affect the connection with this individual. It’s also likely that you felt nothing at all but shock.
Should I discuss their disclosure once more?
You may not be comfortable the first time. You can come back and have a more comforting conversation. Do just that. You have every right to conduct a study. It’s acceptable to revisit the topic.
“I have been digesting my reaction to what you said to me the day before. May I have another chance?”
I recommend adopting a statement a little along the lines of this. Why? With this comment, a companion or loved one regains control. They can reply, “No, I’m not ready,” and they have an indication that this subject will come up. Additionally, it alerts them to the fact that this talk will be unique.
What precisely should I say?
Alright, so I’ve granted you liberty to bring up the subject again and to have an imperfect initial reaction. I haven’t yet informed you precisely what to say to a rape victim, though. You’ve been waiting for this portion, right?
The only issue is that each survivor is unique. Since every relationship between two people is unique, some of this is unquestionably related to the connection with the opposite person. You may react differently if the survivor is a close friend than if it’s your grown-up daughter. If they tell you they experienced sexual assault yesterday as opposed to 25 years ago, it can also matter. Having said that, here are some particular suggestions for what you could say.
That was wrong. That can’t be done. That’s not anything you should have to go through.
This is an excellent place to begin. Survivors do a lot of self-condemning. They will wonder what they could have done to stop the assault. That’s even when they know intellectually they weren’t entitled to the treatment they got.
Let’s frame it like this: Imagine a panicked and drunk woman shouting, “Rape me!” naked on a street. Can we rape the woman now? If a man rapes a woman, should we consider his liquefaction as a sufficient reason for the path that led him to do what he did to her? How could, for the love of God, your friend or lover be at fault if they said “no”?
You might feel like asking questions. “Did you have anything to drink? “Were you alone? It is to get a better understanding of what happened. Don’t ask those questions, please.
Sexual violence of any kind is simply not acceptable. I rarely ask any of those questions. We’ll be discussing the details of the assault both during their treatment and afterwards.
I have faith in you.
When they tell you what happened, survivors are in such a compromised place both emotionally and mentally because they are terrified they aren’t going to be believed. Someone, in fact, could have said something to convey that sentiment to the victim or survivor, through their words, actions, or questions.
“I trust my partner when she tells me she was raped.” You’ll probably need to say those words to her, too. What if the person who survived was a man? Then those words still need to be heard! Say the phrases, please. Then demonstrate your belief with the compassion in your voice, your presence, and every cell of your being.
Men and women simply are not making this stuff up, according to the studies. You may be quite certain that someone is speaking the truth if they claim to have experienced sexual violence.
I support you.
Being shocked after hearing about the incident is normal. You can slowly recover from an initial state of shock or a less-than-ideal response to their rape revelation. But when you bring up the subject again, it is essential that you emphasize, “I am there for you.” Then demonstrate your presence.
If something they say bothers you, inhale deeply and pay attention. Recognize that they undoubtedly feel uneasy if you do. And whenever they thought about the incident, they felt uneasy. Because they believe in you, they are now opening up to you. Let them know that you will be able to handle their pain. That will tell them you are worth their trust.
I am speechless. What do you want to tell?
This, too, is an answer. Saying you have nothing to say is better than staying silent. When you ask, even if they don’t know what would be useful for the other person, just the act of asking shows that you care.
Co-survivors need to address their emotions in relation to the incident. Depending on their earlier experiences and preconceived notions regarding rape and assault, family members and friends may all react in different ways. A victim of sexual assault has been subjected to a crime in which they have lost control over their circumstances and, in fact, their right to make judgments about their own bodies.
You should stress that simply surviving is an achievement and that whatever they did for survival was the right thing because it is normal to sense a great loss of authority and control over life after a sexual attack. A person’s strength is demonstrated by their ability to survive a sexual attack.
