How does divorce change and affect men?

Divorce affects everyone, and men aren’t immune from the feelings of anger, guilt, loss, and blame that arise from divorce.

Brad Nakase, Attorney

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Many men move on after a few months, while others take years to go through the process.  Divorces are equally challenging for men and women and significantly affect their happiness and health. But while many people may believe that women are more emotional than men, studies have shown that divorce can actually be harder on men. Believe it or not, a husband may suffer greater losses in terms of overall happiness and health than his wife.

As a lawyer, I represented count men in divorces early in my career. I’ve seen firsthand how divorce changes a man. I am writing this blog to share bust the myth that men can easily block out emotions, which is false.

In this article, we will discuss how divorce changes a man as follows:

Skipping the Grieving Process

Similar to losing a friend or family member, divorce can be one of the most painful experiences someone goes through in life. If someone is going through a marriage dissolution, he or she is losing a life partner, or someone they had hoped would be one. When losing someone this special, it is natural to feel grief. Generally, women take time to go through the grieving process, which is a necessary and healthy period needed in order to move on with life. Women tend to be more likely to seek professional help, such as a therapist, to understand and embrace their grief. They are also more likely to reach out to friends and family members for emotional support, which may also help them heal and move on. Men, however, are more likely to bottle up their emotions. Because men are led to believe that emotions should be hidden, they tend to skip the grieving period or shorten it. This can result in anxiety or depression, serious conditions that can affect one’s health and wellbeing.

Example: When Julius was growing up, his father and male friends rarely showed emotion. Crying was considered a “girly” thing to do, as was talking to someone about emotions. When Julius’ best friend died in a car accident at seventeen, he was wracked with mental pain and anguish. Still, he was told it would be wrong to see a therapist, because he had to step up and “be a man.” Now that Julius is going through a divorce, he feels that he shouldn’t spend time grieving. He tries to forget about his ex-wife and push on with his life as if nothing has happened. As a result, he develops depression, constantly thinking about what he has lost and feeling as if there is nothing left for him in life. He feels as if he has no future to look forward to. Thanks to the intervention of a female friend at work, Julius finally seeks therapy, where he is able to talk to a counselor privately about his feelings so that he can healthily process them and begin to move on from his divorce.

Decline in Health

After a divorce, men are likely to experience health problems. These issues might include the following: weight gain or loss, depression, anxiety, and inability to sleep. With the added stresses of identity loss and financial management, men are more likely to suffer from a stroke or heart attack. It is also possible, as well as more likely, that men will try to heal themselves with alcohol or drugs. Women, by contrast, or more likely to seek help in the form of therapy when they feel stress.

In general, a wife will encourage her husband to participate in healthy behavior. She might encourage him to make doctor’s appointments or otherwise pursue medical conditions that he might not look after on his own. Emotionally, men can also become dependent on women. When men become depressed or anxious, or otherwise feel stress, they will talk to their wives. When women feel down, they tend to talk to a therapist, friends, or family members. Therefore, women have healthier coping mechanisms than men in the event of divorce.

Example: Whenever Julius was sick, his ex-wife Anna would always schedule him a doctor’s appointment. “Julius,” she would say, “what would you do without me?” And indeed, without her, Julius is hopeless. Now that he is divorced, he often spends nights on his couch eating pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. He has since gained twenty pounds and has stopped working out at the gym. His stress has increased to the point that his blood pressure has risen, and he gets panic attacks. Then there is the mental side of things. Whenever Julius felt poorly in the past, he always had Anna to talk to about it. He never used to feel depressed or anxious. Now he does all the time and has no one to talk to about it.

Lost Identity

Identifying as a husband or wife often becomes part of someone’s personality because the status affects so much of their life. When going through a divorce, husbands lose this part of their identity and often don’t find a way of compensating for the loss. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to pick up new activities or join groups with common interests. Women therefore have more social connections after a divorce and can reform their identity even after a divorce. Men, conversely, don’t often find new social activities after a divorce and can become quite isolated.

Example: After Julius’ and Anna’s divorce, Anna was quick to recover her personal identity as a single person. She joined a ballet class and took up painting with her friends. She now feels more like the person she was prior to meeting Julius – happy, fun, spirited. Julius, however, has only grown more isolated. Sure, his friends like to go out drinking on a Friday night, but he ends up feeling like a sad divorcee at a bar, drinking away his sorrows. He doesn’t have any healthy activities to do to encourage his self-growth. He feels a far cry from the person he was before meeting Anna. He used to play flag football, travel, and cook. Now he sleeps most of the day, watches Netflix, and orders Taco Bell on DoorDash.

Rushing Into New Relationships

Because men don’t grieve properly after a divorce, they may grow lonely and seek comfort in someone new before they are truly ready to move on. The excitement of a new relationship may seem like a good way to bury painful emotions and feelings of disappointment. However, this is not the best foundation for a successful relationship.

Women, by contrast, take the proper time to grieve and explore their emotional wellbeing. Before entering into a new relationship, women tend to take their time to heal and grow as an individual. This makes any future relationship more likely to be successful and lasting.

In fact, divorced women are statistically less likely to remarry than men. Women, those with children especially, don’t want to jump into another relationship right away for fear of it turning out like the last one. When children are involved, the stakes are much higher to get it right. Men may feel no such pressure and so are more likely to leap into a new relationship in the hope of it acting as an emotional bandage.

Example: Three weeks after his divorce was finalized, Julius decided to download Tinder to see who else might be out there for him. Even though he still feels emotionally numb and is grieving, he doesn’t want to feel lonely anymore. He meets a nice woman named Carmen and takes her out to a Red Lobster for dinner. Carmen is sweet, funny, and beautiful, but Julius finds it hard to connect with her. He feels like a shadow of his normal self. He continues to see Carmen for a couple months, even though the relationship isn’t very satisfying for either of them. Mainly, Julius just doesn’t want to be alone. His ex-wife, meanwhile, is happily single and enjoying time with friends and family.

Missing Their Children

If a marriage produces children, then after a divorce, it is likely that the mother will end up with child custody. Men will thereby only see their children on a custody schedule and not every day like they used to during the marriage. This can feel like being cut out of a child’s life. Men might miss baseball games or birthday parties, dance recitals or school plays. Men may have to call their children to learn about the events after they happened, which isn’t nearly as satisfying as actually being there.

As mothers, women still play a significant role in their children’s lives after a divorce. Having her children with her at all times can make a woman feel fulfilled and productive. Daily interaction with them can benefit her mental health, whereas a man’s will suffer from that lack of daily affection and care.

Example: Life without seeing his daughter Matilda every day is hard for Julius. He used to take her to the community pool or the toy store to buy her dolls. He loved every minute he spent with her and couldn’t wait to watch her grow up. Now that he is divorced, his wife has custody of Matilda, and Julius only sees her on the weekends. He misses out on picking her up from daycare and learning about her progress with numbers and letters. Every time he sees her, she looks older, and he feels sad about missing so many important moments. This loss affects his mental health, and he sinks further into depression.

Divorce Is Difficult

Divorce is hard for both men and women. That said, women are usually more capable of handling the stress and sadness that can follow the break-up of a marriage. Women tend to be better at coping with their feelings and grieving properly. They have better support networks in place, such as friends, family, and therapists. In general, they are not as afraid to seek help as men. As a result, women tend to come out of a divorce stronger and more prepared to move on with their life.

Statistically, men tend to be happier in marriage than women, and women are more likely to initiate divorce. It would then make sense why men are less prepared to handle the effects of divorce, because their life has been so upended. Studies have shown that a divorce is more likely to negatively impact men’s physical and mental health than women’s health. Men are also more likely to consider suicide after a hard separation.

Therefore, it is important that men take time to help themselves after a difficult divorce. They should seek therapy or counseling for mental health struggles or open up to friends and family. Taking care of themselves physically can also help improve one’s health, both the mental and physical aspects. Processing grief and looking after oneself makes it much more likely to move on in a healthy way after a divorce.

Example: After months of feeling down in the dumps, Julius realizes that he is going down a dark path. With the support of his friends, he books an appointment with a therapist and talks about his feelings and emotions. He also starts to play flag football again with his friends and is considering taking a class to learn how to play chess. He begins to feel like his old self.